Notes for “On Writing”

I like to read – all kinds of stuff: novels, short stories, long stories, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, dialogues and monologues, but not, too much, blogs (unless they are the ones I write);  happy stuff, sad stuff, funny stuff (especially), inspirational stuff, self-improvement stuff (Lord, how I need that!), poignant stuff – and poetry.

 I even like to read assembly instructions written by Chinese engineers for stuff that comes in a box in a jillion pieces that they expect you put together.  I read it just for laughs, not to actually figure out how to do it.

“ Please to remove part ‘A’ from plastic bag, which has number 1, which nice people at factory have labeled to make your convenience, and tight with All wrench.  Now, please to remove part 2 from bag that is same and insert into hole that is diameter of 3 mm -- as if I had a clue what a 3 mm hole looks like – and to make tight it with application of thread tool.”

 These are actual instruction from a planer I bought from Penn State Tool Company that, obviously, was not made in Pennsylvania.  I was doing pretty well until I started looking for an All wrench and thread tool.  I had neither of these esoteric devices in my shop, so I went to Lowe’s to buy them.  The sales clerk gave me a funny look.  I had the same result at every other hardware store in town. I was about to give up, but as I read further through the instructions, I found a photo of a man assembling the parts actually using an All wrench and thread tool.  “All” was the Chinese engineer’s abbreviation for “Allen,” so he was referring to an Allen wrench, and a thread tool was a screwdriver! Of course.

With that information (and those tools) in hand, I assembled the planer without too much more trouble.  It only took three days.

A lady once asked me to name my favorite author.  I was caught off guard and answered with a very intelligent sounding “duh…”.  I like a lot of authors and could not come up with just one.  I used to gobble up every new book Stephen King wrote.  I read “The Body” (It was made into a movie and renamed “Stand by Me”) so many times I could quote passages.  And I think “The Stand” is the greatest novel of the modern English era.  But then he delved into deep fantasy, beginning with “The Dark Tower” series, and lost me.

Now that I have had time to think about it, I would probably have answered, “Mark Twain.” If you have never read Twain beyond “Tom Sawyer” and “Huckleberry Finn” because you were assigned them in High School, you are missing a treat.  I picked up a copy of “The Complete Short Stories of Mark Twain” at a book sale.  It is a big book with very small print that would, now, trouble these old eyes.  Paula and I read some of the stories together and just howled.  “Agricultural Economics” is one of the funniest things I have ever read.  It has nothing to do with either Agriculture or Economics.  Try to find  and read it.  Trust me, you will love it.

And I like to write.

There are only 26 letters in the English language